I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My bed smells like the plague
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
