His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He felt like a one man threesome
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
