Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
