party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
