It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
