Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
