my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
