Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
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Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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