i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
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tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
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Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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