Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
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gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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