I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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