The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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