Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he thought i was a dude.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
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I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize