He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
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i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
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Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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