When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
