how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
