You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I woke up under a house in Key West
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