i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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