she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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