We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
