I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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