Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
