i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
