went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
