Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
