Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
