We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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