I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
