Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
