I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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