apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
