ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
