I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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