I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
