Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
