two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize