Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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