My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
