I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Houston, we have a blender
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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