Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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