I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
