what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
