just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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