my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
