I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
