Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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