sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
