my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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