she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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