I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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