and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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