I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
