he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
