the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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