Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Bring me that man meat
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
