cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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